Depression: My story and how journalists should speak up when they are feeling down

THE following piece appears in this month's Press Gazette, but isn't online.

I'm posting it here in the hope of further raising awareness that mental illness doesn't have to be a 'dirty little secret' - even if when you are in the midst of it, the last thing in the world you'd ever want to do is tell people!

As someone who is fully recovered, I hope my experience and the advice offered here by freelance journalist colleagues, the NUJ and charities, may help others suffering the effects of a mental illness.

I'd welcome any comments at the end of the post, especially from others with similar experiences. Again, I hope this could help show those going through a tough time that they are not alone.

AS I sat on my bed at 3am, sobbing and contemplating throwing myself through the window, I knew I had to seek medical help. Despite thinking everyone would be better off without me, part of me was still rational enough to know I didn’t want to feel like this.

That day, in my work as a freelance journalist, I’d interviewed two women. One had lost one of her twins at birth; the other had been kidnapped at knifepoint.

Both began to cry on the phone. I started too and couldn’t stop.

The thought of letting down these women by not being able to tell their stories, not to mention the editors waiting for the copy, was too much to bear.

To my shame, I never went back and explained to those interviewees why their stories never saw the light of day. I lost contact with the editors too. I didn’t want to be remembered as the one who was nuts.

Like all journalists, I can thrive under pressure. I know it's part of what being a journalist is all about. But I was trying to do too much.

It brought back terrible memories of a doctor telling me I had ‘reactive depression’ years earlier. In a newsroom, I’d been told to ‘fuck off home’ as I was ‘obviously mental’. That was after taking time away to visit a brother seriously injured in an accident and returning with what my editor called ‘a face like a slapped arse.’

I raged inside and wondered if any other industries got away with treating employees like that. I never spoke up and quit instead.

Another former regional journalist, turned freelance, who has suffered with depression, Cath Janes, says there’s no doubt her work added to her illness.

She says: “It can be exhausting, pressurised and isolating.

“When I was a staffer I had a very serious bout of depression. I needed a few months off.

“Most people were sympathetic but one or two key figures didn't understand. I remember my editor describing my anti-depressants as tranquilisers, which made me sound bananas. “I went into his office just before I was diagnosed to tell him that I couldn't cope any more. He and my line manager told me any problems were my own fault.

“I decided that the only way out was to end it all and I even cleared my desk so that no one would have to sort through my things when I didn't come to work on Monday. It was only my partner finding me in extreme distress that evening that saved me.”

Cath believes a stigma attached to mental health problems has decreased among journalists.

“It's still not easy though,” she says.

“You have to be ultra-reliable. If you admit to depression suddenly you don't seem reliable any more.”

For Ed Harrison, an ex deputy editor on a trade magazine, pressure at work led to what he now calls a ‘mini breakdown.’

He says: “My work hugely contributed to my illness. I was put under so much stress and had been mistreated for so long that it finally became too much for me.

“I had no control over the situation and ended up working until 10 most nights and every weekend. I was constantly undermined by my co-workers and the management style was chaotic.

“I stopped sleeping at night. It reached a head when I returned from work and found my editor had changed all the content and brought forward the press deadline, expecting me again to work the entire weekend. I got into a complete state, had a panic attack and had to be sent home in a taxi.”

Ed says that rather than being supportive, his employers viewed his behaviour as ‘skiving’.

“They didn’t understand that I was simply unable to work. I was hyperventilating and could hardly leave the house. The slightest thing would trigger a panic attack and I couldn't work properly for six months.

“In the end I resigned. None of my colleagues sent me a card or anything. They clearly had no concept that I was really quite ill.”

Philip Marsh is a magazine reporter who says he has suffered a total collapse of confidence, due to the current gloomy outlook for journalists.

Philip, who has recently been diagnosed with depression, says he has a “crushing inability” to work and has feelings of desperation and loneliness when readers comment negatively on his work.

“I'm concerned about the future of journalism, not because for personal reasons, but simply because it appears to be of little value in today's world. In order to feel positive about it I would need to see newspapers and magazines prospering. I don't see that.”

The experiences recounted here are the tip of the iceberg.

In its campaign to reduce stress at work, The NUJ quotes research from 2002 which found around five million UK workers experience stress and half a million believe it makes them ill.

With more than 1,000 journalists losing their job since June 2008 to April 2009, NUJ equalities officer Lena Calvert says colleagues left behind are inevitably put under more pressure.

“They have to cover all the duties of their colleagues who have been made redundant.
“It's not just excessive work loads and working very long hours that cause this stress but it's also the feeling of loss of control and the inability to do a job well,” she says.

“Many journalists don't realise that they are ill because of stress. Often journalists will blame themselves for not being able to cope and this makes matters worse. The profession has an image of the "intrepid reporter" and it is often difficult for a journalist to accept that the lack of staff, resources and employer attitudes is the problem rather than their own wrongly perceived inadequacies.”

Despite this, Lena says it’s difficult to advise people suffering from mental health issues about speaking up.

“Someone who is already stressed or depressed will find it hard to accept that they will need to alert their employer and ask for supportive measures - as they will fear that declaring their vulnerability could, in many cases, make them a target.

“As a union we have used health and safety legislation, particularly the HSE stress analytical tool, to negotiate on behalf of members who have been dealing with unacceptable levels of stress leading to mental health conditions.

“We've also referred employers to the fact that mental health is now covered by the Disability Discrimination Act and negotiated disability leave and counselling for members, along with other simple measures that have a good effect, such as flexible working or shorter hours.“

Former Morning Star journalist Paul Corry is now policy director at Rethink, a charity campaigning for a better quality of life for those affected by mental illness. “When I worked as a journalist, 10 years ago, the culture was very macho and you were judged as much by how much you could drink in the pubs along Fleet Street as by the strength of your story,” he says.

“It’s clear now that a lot of the drinking was self-medication to stave off the fear that your sources would dry up and you would find your by-line disappear to a rival. Today, journalists are expected to multi-task and perform to a 24-hour agenda in a way we never were.

“Too many still see mental health problems as malingering or a personal failing. A growing number are recognising that they have to do something about it.”

Cath Janes has some straightforward advice for anyone feeling under pressure who fears they may be suffering from depression.

“Be true to yourself. If you have depression there is nothing you can do but focus on getting better. Don't ignore the signs, and don't put up with anyone bullying you. For God's sake, leave. No job is worth destroying your health over.”

NUJ: Putting an end to stress at work campaign.

Rethink:

National Advice Service on 0845 456 0455

• I'm the director of Midlands agency Passionate Media and a media advisor to Mental Health Media, one of the charities, along with Rethink, which is backing the Time to Change Initiative.

Time to Change, a four year campaign to end mental health discrimination.

• Some names have been changed.

Comments

[Tracey Dooley]

Thanks for such an insightful feature.

It's a sad state of affairs when, in the 21st century, there is STILL a general unawareness of and even disdain towards depression.

My mother suffered terribly with severe depression that was part of an auto-immune illness. But because she hadn't broken a leg or being diagnosed with, say, the Big C, her suffering was essentially dismissed by otherwise well-meaning friends and family.

By having the courage to come forward and tell their stories, not only will the awful stigma attached to depression be eroded over time, but also those affected with this very real and very debilitating mental health condition will hopefully be able to encourage a greater understanding and empathy -- and even help others seek the care and attention they deserve.

[Tracey Dooley]

Ooops! "being" should read "been" -- sleepless night. Need coffee!

[Jane Alexander]

Couldn't agree more. Thank you so much for writing this, Linda. Journalists are considered to be 'tough-skinned' but I think our profession is very harsh and isolating (my experiences of working in offices were that, if you had a problem, you just had to get on with it - or, as one colleague kindly pointed out, 'it's a dog eat dog world, journalism'. Nice.
I've 'come out' about my depression - on my blog (most notably on) http://exmoorjane.blogspot.com/2008/03/black-dog-red-dog-yellow-dog-blue.html

And also in You magazine - can't find it online anymore but have put on my other blog - with a link to here http://brutallyfrank.wordpress.com/2009/05/19/blogging-a-cure-for-depression/

[Tim Atkinson]

Fascinating piece. As someone who put his own experiences into words (in 'Writing Therapy') I appreciate the irony of words becoming part of the problem. For me (and my protagonist) they were the solution!

[Linda]

Hi all, thanks so much for your encouraging comments.

@Tracey - yes I agree, I think the problem can be greater in the older generation too with more deep-rooted preconceptions.

@Jane - thanks you, those pieces you have written are amazing and I will update with links to them as soon as I can.

@Tim - thank you, that's a really interesting point, will check out Writing Therapy. x

[Helen Grant]

Thank you for such a well written feature Linda.

I suffered from postnatal psychosis after giving birth to my daughter in 1993. I spent 18 weeks in a psychiatric hospital. It took me 5 years to recover, and several more before I felt able to talk about it.

I took time off work to recover and was told by my boss to 'take as long as you need'. When I felt well enough to return, 9 months later, I was told I didn't have a job to go back to as it had been given to someone else. They got away with it because I wasn't strong enough to fight my corner.

I wrote an article about postnatal psychosis for Love It magazine: http://helengrant.co.uk/2008/05/11/having-a-baby-made-me-psycho/

Brooke Shields wrote an excellent book about her experience: http://www.amazon.com/Down-Came-Rain-Postpartum-Depression/dp/1401301894

We need to encourage more people to come forward and tell their stories. Thanks for sharing yours x

[Linda]

Hi Helen - thanks - I'm so sorry to read what you have been through - I know some people say success is the best revenge, I just think happiness is!
Thanks for sharing your story too, Lucy Jolin has also written about her experience of trauma/mental illness after having her son - will dig out links to Guardian piece and Take a Break if I can. x

[Tara@Sticky fingers]

I can totally relate to this Linda and you are right, it is something which is brushed under the carpet on a regular basis.
I worked on the newsdesk of a regional daily paper and little by little over time my workload was increased.
I became a mum and would blame myself for feeling I couldn't cope and would convince myself I wasn't good enough. I did raise it on more than one occassion that the workload was too great and something would have to give but it was generally treated with a 'well, you've coped up until now why has it suddenly become a problem?'
On top of that I was working a 4-day week but, of course, because of cutbacks I was expected to do 5 days work within that time.
Now I have left that environment I honestly can't believe I put up with it for so long. It's only now I realise just how down and bloody miserable it made me.
I left to set up in business from home and it's really tough and really stressful but by gum, it's not nearly so bad as it was there.

[Linda]

Hi Tara, I know exactly what you mean. You may not remember but I can remember a time of being with you and our friend in a shop and I cried and croed, apparently for no reason - I think the 'depressive gene' has always been there with me and a career in newspapers was bound to bring it to the fore. I've worked on several newsdesks - some better than others - and edited publications - and sometimes can't believe what the expectations were. One editor told me it was my job to make the reporters cry - okay so I can be an old boot but I'm glad I found that an appalling idea!

[Rin]

Great stuff, definitely something people need to be more open about, thanks Linda.

[S]

Great piece. Some of these experiences definitely mirrored things I saw on the regional I worked on for five years. I still think lack of management support can be a huge problem in the industry, especially as I've had really good experiences of great editors to compare to.

[Julie]

Fantastic piece Linda, thanks for posting. I've forwarded it on to a friend of mine who I think it will help. It's unbelievable that some people STILL don't view depression as an illness.

[Cathy]

Hi Linda, just wanted to say well done on a very powerful piece. A colleague of mine experienced a break down several years ago and I don't think those at the top of the company were as supportive as they could have been. As I have probably mentioned on here before, a family member has schizophrenia and I hate the way people perceive mental illness, including the media who often sensationalise it. Anything that can raise awareness is very much welcome and all credit to everyone in this article for being so honest and open

[Cath]

Cracking piece there Linda! It's just so helpful to read about other journalists who have suffered from depression too. It's easy to get sucked into thinking that you just can't stand the pace when you're surrounded by bolshy hacks all day long. The thing is, when I look more closely it strikes me that hacks are more dysfuntional than just about any other profession that I have come into contact with.

[Sarah]

Linda, I echo everyone else. Fantastic job and thanks for sharing it here: you're right, more people should read it.

[Tara@Sticky Fingers]

I would just like to set the record straight - Linda is not and never has been 'an old boot'. x